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I'll Pay Any Cost

I'm in a weird kind of mood. That mood where you're so melancholy, you feel like diving off a bridge. But at the same time, I feel free, and independant, and so alive. It's a bittersweet kind of mood, the kind where I'm smiling about all my regrets while wishing I could undo some things. Not a bad mood, I suppose. Just the kind where I feel like going for a walk, crying my eyes out, and then curling up and letting it rain. 

That's it - I want it to rain! Rain would help so many things right now. I love the rain; few things are more therapeutic than rain, especially a nice, heavy rain. 

Maybe I'll write. That's always a good thing for this strange sense of amusement and remorse~


--

Help.
Help Me?

I'm alive...

My regrets are few; my life is mine. I can go where I like, I can ramble from the back alleyways to the quiet suburban gardens and parks of the upper city. I may not see life in shades of right or wrong, in poor and upper class. But I see the city in shades of burnt sienna, umbers and maroons and aquamarines. The world is full of color, full of hope and fear and shame and desire. I see the weary trudge home, can see the waiting comforts of laughter in a family dinner as they pad down the street, feet aching from a ten hour shift. I see the wants of the small child, patiently cleaning the living room for mom, who is sick in bed from cancer treatment, praying mommy will get better as he makes her breakfast. I can see the hurt in one's eyes as he willingly laughs and jokes with close friends, while in his mind stumbles over a rejection, chest heavy with the ache of a familiar weight. All this I see, the burdens and heartbreaks, the joy and anguish. I have few regrets, for I too have seen these very thigns in my life. Yet now, I seem to lose them, in hindsight. For the future is murky. I can only wonder how some do it, how some see to be able to face their ghosts with an eloquence so long sought and so often never found. I long to be able feel those pains and wants, to look forward to that laughter or be able to fend off that ragged memory...

Help me.
I'm alive, but I don't how to live...
[7/10/09]

--

I unno. I'm getting that rambler's urge again, and it scares me. I finally found a place I like, and I want to stay here. But I have no clue what's going to happen to me in two weeks, let alone a month or a year. And I feel like putting my shoes on right now and just walking away. I won't, cuz I'm actually happy here...but the urge is there. I so need to kill it this time around.

I think I'm going to go for a walk when Poppy and Smeg get back later tonight, anyway. We'll see when I get back; we'll see what becomes of it. 

Sparrowhawk, They Call Me

Interesting weekend. Interesting month. Interesting day, even. I've decided sleeping on the squeaky couch is probably one of the most comfortable places ever. And sleeping is a good thing, yes it is. I have decided I'm changing something - we'll see how it goes next weekend with this new change. I think it will fix many things, from work to pleasure to enjoyment of the company I'll be keeping over the weekend.

On another note - I love Earthsea. I had the books when I was a little girl. Now I have picked it up again. Hopefully it will distract me while I'm trying to reckon mistakes and change things so everything is silk smooth. I like it when things are silk smooth. Balls of Fury is running in the background; I have many things I am thinking about. Thinking is good. So is change, and that is something that is happening.

I'm off to go find something I buried in my bag. More later, when my mood isn't so...off. I have to figure out why my mood is so off...I have static in my brain, makes things fuzzy and distant.

Confusion and Uncertainties

I was informed early this week, upon returning home to Gig Harbor, that my aunt had passed away. I don't think I've ever seen my family try so hard to contact me; I keep telling them, no phone, no phone. I did get around to talking to my mom on the computer, and have been filled in on many things. If I'm lucky, they may actually try to bring me some stuff, but right now all is in chaos.

Also, I think I may get my stuff back from Skatebarn - my camera, my phone. The person who left it there lives in Tacoma - no reason he can't bring it to me. I'm just kinda trying to keep my family and friends updated at this point in time. I really can't do much else, especially on crutches.

Which brings me to the next point. CRUTCHES ARE SO STUPID. I mean, I know I need them and all, but OH MY LORD. So hard to use. Ugh. Still, I'm managing. Thank you Poppy and Smeg, so much, for letting me borrow them too :D

I can't wait for FAIRE! As much as it bugs me, I'm being good and doing nothing but resting and relaxing, so I heal up in time. I'm excited about security like no other. I WILL be recovered by faire. And hopefully, it sounds like I may have at least one outfit to borrow. I may need to find another outfit - like, an actual dress and corset outfit - but I've got one for while on shift...mmm, Japanesey wear <33

And I haz a sword now? It's a tempermental thing, and I'm not sure what kind of sword it is yet. But I've named it FenrisWolf, and it's my baby.

Goodness, the next month and a half are going to be epic...I can't wait! ^_^

And still I sit here, blinking stupidly as I try to think up Paisley history. Yeah, right. Not happening when I just woke up all of 1/2 hour ago! Maybe a little later, we'll see.

Lovely thinking of you all...we'll see who I get around to talking with tonight?
Jazz

Random Wanderings of the Mind [take 1]

So here I sit, listening to the ramblings of a crazy man, a crazy boy, some crazy girls, and Camp Mother. I watch the cats hop and frolic, and Ty has departed. A good weekend thus far...I'm quite satisfied. DnD is occuring as four battle against 50; I can smell Poppy's dinner cooking. I slept like crap, but I blame my muffin, for convincing my body it doesnt need sleep at night. I am fond of this house, and need to begin planning Paisley things.

It's nice, being about like this...I can't wait to run home and pick up all my stuff. And then begins the search for work, and planning for the Cali trip.

Oh! And I have decided my Paisley name, as agreed upon my our lord Tyler:
Jazzillyn Sunshyne. Or Jazz, if you please.

Now comes the writing~ <3

Improved Day [Ups/Downs]

" 'Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for,
Show me what I'm looking for...

Don't let go
I've wanted this for far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Show me what I'm looking for.'
"
 

An interesting day. It started out normal, I suppose; but in the end, it became good. I begged Poppy to wake me early, but failed, as usual. I was up around 11 solidly, and then Trev came over. When Poppy got back from an appointment, we went on a Costco adventure - it was awesome. Trevor says once I grab my computer, I can copy whatever music he has that I want to my machine. Huzzah - my therapy will be on my computer, and my computer is a soul. Better let Mom know that I am taking my computer after all.

Besides that, we went to Top and the asian mart of doom. I call it that because it is amazing, but full of doomy foods. Like Mango Aloe Juice :D

Better mood for the moment, I suppose. We came back; I leveled Syanon. Yay for levelment. And then Trevor had to make enchiladas, so I went and made enchiladas. I met his dog - who I'd like to punt, even if we have decided to be friends, because she looks roughly the size of a football - and then back here. Right now, I'm "eh". I say this because I'm more exhuasted than should be possible, and my mood is dangerously unstable. I just...fell behind at Trev's. Tired, lethargic, worn down in general. He made me smile, and fed me peanut butter and jelly sammich so my blood sugar didn't completely die. So I guess it's been a so-so day - amazing, by my standards. I'm going to have to teach myself to eat more than once a day, lest the whole 'wow im dizzy and need to eat' thing happen again.

Oh. And I'm awake, even though I feel the need to fall over and die. I have to wash clothes, so I look decent. Tomorrow I meet several of Cutler, Smeg, and Poppy's friends, so I want to be in clean clothes. This also means a shower in the morning. Showers are good, and calming. I have no reason to be stressed, and I'm not too stressed, but...I want to make a good impression. I've finally found a group that I think I could REALLY get along with - I want to give a good impression with them all.

Oh. Oh oh oh oh oh. And the best part of the day - I came home, for some reason dangerously close to tears [I'm guessing just cuz I'm tired] and Smeg and Poppy sprung the BEST surprise on me - KITTEN. Apparently, Smeg's parents found kitten. Ohhhhh, she's the cutest thing ever! She looks like BK did. Beautiful grey-white color. Simply stunning. We'll prolly be watching her in the evenings, which will make my days amazing. I haven't been near a cat in so long that wasn't so obviously bonded - I may have a chance to really help out with the baby, when they need it/if they want my help. She is the cutest thing I've ever seen.. <3

So good evening/morning world. Happy 4th/death anniversary of Grampa Allen. And sleep well, kitten bby ^^

You Found Me...

 

"I found God
on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the west was all but won;
All alone,
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?'
He said, "Ask anything'
"

Hey. You found me. Or you found parts of me. Or maybe all of me. The fact is, this will be my place to write, to think, to process, to exist. All the bad days, all the thoughts, all the random smiles...they'll all go here. Simple fact is, I've been trying to write for years on LJ. And generally, I'll admit, I fail pretty hardcore. But what the hell - my boyfriend has one, and it seems to help him. Maybe it's time I give it a chance, once again. Who am I to say it won't work this time? The Tarot certainly seems to believe I have no obstacles at this point, so I'll go for it. There's a lot going on, and nothing going on all at once. I may as well at least attempt it.

So there is a lot I could talk about. I don't really know if I want to talk about all of it, but the potential for it to coming spewing forth from the brain is here. I'm thinking I may use this as a place to post the stupid random things I write as well. Just a warning. And most of it makes no fucking sense, but it's gotta go somewhere, and it has to get outta my head. So ta - the online world will be the black hole to which I throw it to get rid of it.

So...I'm in Tacoma. I've left home. I don't really live anywhere, but at the same time, I don't really feel the need to belong anywhere. God knows I don't anywhere. And I'm not really Christian, so I will use the name of God. I don't know why I just explained that...o-O Oh well. I feel the need to get up and run away, because I feel like I'm outgrowing my welcome in the home of my saviors. Christina and Michael are gods to me at this point in time - they have fed me, housed me, and shown my compassion like I don't even deserve. My mind says go, leave before you use anything else that is theirs, but I seem to be liked. A strange thing, for sure. Still, I sit on the fence, unsure of what to do. I love it here - I want to be around more. But I feel I'm sapping resources. Who am I to do that?! No one special. Maybe they seem something different. I certainly wish I could see what they do...I guess I'll be here for the 4th as well. It'll be nice.

I dunno. I'm rambling stupidly. I tend to do that. If anyone gets around to reading this, know a couple of things. I love what seems to be a new family developing. I am quite fond of my boyfriend. I adore Poppy and Smeg. The cats and dogs are therapy to my soul. It's a sanctuary I don't deserve. And I'm sorry. I know you hate hearing I'm sorry, but...I'm sorry. I'm sorry I run when things get tense, or I seem afraid and cowardly at times. It's hard to be around people I trust. You have done so much, and I thank you all so much. I promise I won't be around forever, since that would probably be an issue for you all, but I want to be around in general, since you are so wonderful. Please ignore the tears, the hurt. It's nothing to worrry about. If I have my way, I'll learn to hide it so much better. I think it's past healing; I don't know how to trust anyone enough to ask for help. But all will be OK. I'm sure of it.

~Jazzy Sunshyne

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